I’ve been pondering the power of goals for the past several days. It is the start of the year after all—a time to set New Year’s resolutions, or new goals, for the year ahead. I love this process. I find it exhilarating and empowering. But, as I’ve discovered (and remembered,) not everyone feels this way about goals.
The online community in my workshop How to Achieve Your Goals and Create a Life You Love has been open for just under a week. (Update: This class is now available as a self-paced online class.) This has given me the chance to understand the participants starting point, or in other words, their feelings about goals. It has also given me the chance to hear their desired endpoint or what they hope to get out of the workshop. What I’ve found is a range of feelings.
Some participants came to the workshop with their goals for the year already figured out—and they’re ready to dive-in and start taking action! Others came with a sense of trepidation—something was calling them to take the workshop and yet they arrived there with an underlying sense of discomfort about the process. I’m curious where you weigh-in on this. Are goals intimidating or empowering? Do you routinely set goals and resolutions, or do you avoid them like the plague? And I’d love to know if you know why?
It’s the why of it all that I’ve been pondering the most over the last few days. Why are goals something that some find empowering, while others find them to be intimidating? Sure, goals and resolutions aren’t as universally appealing as say water (or chocolate,) but…aren’t they just as essential to life? For me, goals are as essential to living my life as water (and chocolate.) Goals sustain my life (like water,) and make it much, much sweeter (like chocolate.) And yet, I know this isn’t the case for everyone, in part because of the discussion going on in the workshop forum, and in part because this wasn’t always the case for me.
So what’s holding back the would-be goal-setters of the world? Oh, there are probably as many answers to that question as there are would-be goal-setters. But, let’s sort out a few of them…starting with good-old fashioned fear of failure. You may be familiar with this one. I know I am.
As it relates to goals, there’s a belief that if you set a goal and don’t accomplish it (or don’t hit your deadline) you’ve failed. One of the first “official” goals I set in my life was to get a 4.0 GPA in my MBA program. Truth be told, I set this goal once I was well along in the program—once I had a pretty good sense that I couldn’t fail. But I have to ask you, what if I had gotten a 3.5 or even a 2.0 in one of my courses—would I have failed? I’m sure I thought so at the time, but looking back on it now, I don’t think so.
I know that simply by setting the goal to get an overall GPA of 4.0, I got far more A’s in my classes than I would have had I never set the goal. By setting this goal, I learned more and I engaged in each class with a higher level of intensity and purpose. In the end…I got more out of my MBA program because I set a goal—and a 2.0 in one course would not have taken away that end result. See sometimes the goal isn’t about crossing the finish line where and how you think you will…it’s about how you engage in the race itself.
But fear of failure isn’t the only thing that holds us back from setting goals. There are other things that can get in the way and trip us up. Here are some of the other biggies.
Setting goals feels selfish.
This one is completely understandable—after all there is an element of selfishness in goal-setting. Goals areabout the person who sets them. The distinction is this: being selfish isn’t necessarily bad. When you do things that nurture your body and spirit and enrich your life it is certainly a selfish act: you’re putting yourself first. But that’s a good thing. You can only give to others that which you have to give. If you’re living a life that depletes your energy and zaps you spirit, how can you give energy and love to others? On the other hand, when you live a life you love, you create the very foundation from which you can most effectively give to others. And that, my friends, is a good thing all the way around.
Isn’t it materialistic to set goals?
Sure, many goals involve material stuff, but not all goals do. Goals can be about anything…like life experiences—setting a goal to change your career to something that is more rewarding and uses your natural talents, or health and fitness—setting a goal to eat more fruits and veggies, drink more water, or walk the dog more often. Honestly, you can set a goal about any aspect of your life that you want to change—it doesn’t have to be about stuff.
What if I set a goal and then decide it isn’t what I want?
The simple answer is this: you honor your decision to change your mind, and then set a new goal. And, you don’t give it another thought. I have set many goals and later changed my mind about them. One in particular was my goal to run a marathon. When I set this goal the motivation was to pick a goal that was really hard, so I could show myself “If I can do this, I can do anything.”
It turns out the marathon wasn’t really what I wanted. What I really wanted was the confidence I would gain by doing something that originally seemed so far out of my reach. The funny thing is that as I embarked on my marathon goal, I began to realize that I’ve accomplished many things that originally seemed out of reach. Consequently, the marathon goal was no longer necessary. I didn’t need the marathon, but I wouldn’t have known this had I never set this goal. The pursuit of the marathon had many side benefits. I learned a whole lot along the way, and I got in great shape. Again, all the way around—it was a win.
So how about you? Where do you weigh-in on goals and resolutions? Whether you love ‘em or hate ‘em I’d love to know why. Thanks for sharing (and for reading this really long post.)
Terrific post Aby. It’s so good to be reassured that not accomplishing a goal is not failure. You could expand on that one for me a bit! Another thing which holds back the dreaming process for me is the urge to be realistic. I have a dream to travel the world with my family. I can tell you right now, it is never going to happen. So, it seems to be setting myself up for dissappointment–and it seems like a waste of time to dream about it. Along the same lines, sometimes I just don’t believe change is possible. Have a clean house? Well, I think I know what I would need to do and I can’t do it: it takes a lot of optimism to dream!
Anyway, I’m really excited about this course and I’m dreaming away–consciously and deliberately silencing that negative voice!
Your post reminded me of an opposing view of goals written on a blog a few weeks ago by Madeline Hunter, a college art history professor and author nearly 20 romance novels in the past 10 years. You might want to check out her post and the comments here: http://thegoddessblogs.com/index.php/2009/12/15/dreams-goals-and-5-year-plans/
While so many blogs this time of year set about listing resolutions or making goals, I’m pleased to see you actually getting into the meat of it all. I sometimes say I have goalsetter overachievia — a chronic condition where I set all sorts of goals to make all sorts of big changes, but never really think through the steps to achieving them, if they really are achievable, or why they are goals for me in the first place.
The end result is that I often fall short or even completely forget about them (until 10 years later when I find my old journal in a pile of boxes and read through what I was supposed to have accomplished by age 30…)
I look forward to changing that habit this year — hey, maybe that’s one of my 101 dreams!
I set goals. However, I revise and tweak them at the beginning of each year. This year I have only two goals: Capture The Memories and Be As Healthy As I Can.
Each goal has a range of strategies and I word these in a way that will encourage any progress. So I say things like Improve My Fitness, Continue to Be Hydrated etc, so I am getting positive reinforcement, rather than nagging.
I see my goals and strategies as friendly guides through life, rather than tough task masters who cause me stress.
I post my review and goals on my blog, as much to make me accountable to myself as others.
I do like to set goals I just haven’t done it in a very long time. I believe that I stopped setting goals because I forgot how to dream. I couldn’t dream because I was afraid of failing. One of the things you said that I so appreciate was failure is progress. I don’t think I have ever heard this before “failure is progress”. It is so true you are still moving forward with a goal. So thank you so much for helping me find my why.
I feel goals are totally intimidating. I see it as setting myself up for failure. I guess it goes along with how you feel about yourself and your confidence level. I don’t always feel that I can accomplish certain things so why set a goal and then be disappointed with myself if I don’t get there. Which I know is actually letting myself down. I should strive to do things better. It would make me a stronger person. But that could prove to be difficult and what if you don’t like a challenge. It’s all this twisted stuff that flows in your mind. I think it’s a mind set that you need to get yourself into. Just like the little engine that could. I think I can I think I can.
i enjoy setting goals because it helps me decide what to focus my time on, which prevents me from wasting my evenings away in front of the TV, unless of course, i have set a goal to see for myself what the fuss is about Lost or Heroes. ha.
just a couple days ago, i was discussing goals with my dad. for several years, i’ve had the goal to get my MBA. but, not surprising, my life has gone a different way that anticipated. so will an MBA give me the results i’m looking for? what is my purpose in wanting to obtain an MBA? perhaps i would find what i’m seeking in a different program.
i think it’s important to realize that goals are good but you can’t be afraid to re-evaluate and change the game plan or even {gasp} cross things off the list without doing them at all.
If you’d asked me a week ago I would have said that I hate goals and try to avoid making them as much as possible (with the exception of the loathesome development plan at work! This may be the true root of my distaste!). I always found my lack of goals to be contradictory to my personality as I am a planner- being laid back or flying by the seat of my pants does not make for a happy me!
What I’ve come to realise is that it’s just the long term goals that I’ve had no use for all these years. I’m the Queen of the To-do list- and what’s that but a collection of goals?!? Having come to this realisation has allowed me to become more open to slightly-longer-term goals. I now see that a goal doesn’t have to be monumental to still be effective and that life changes can come in small, bite-size pieces.
I just read the posted link above and certainly agree with alot that author had to say- I think she hit the nail on the head with the goal vs Goal thing! Thanks for sharing that link!
I am beginning to see that setting goals is only Step 1 of the process of creating the life you really want for yourself. The second part of that process is to decide to drop all of the excuses you’ve been making for keeping bad habits or not pursuing your goals. And the third part is to decide that there is nothing (within ethical and moral boundaries, of course) that you won’t do to reach the goals you’ve set.
Last year I thought I would be clever and set only 1 New Year’s resolution for myself: I wanted to be able to do one plank-style (“men’s style”) push up by the end of the year. But I did not achieve my goal, because I wasn’t ready to give up my excuse mentality, and I wasn’t really ready to commit to doing what it would take to achieve that goal. I could have done it easily if I’d really been committed to achieving it, but obviously I wasn’t. Right from the start, I told myself all kinds of negative things: “I’m too weak,” “I’ve never had much upper body strength,” “I’ll forget to practice doing push ups,” etc. I also told myself, “I have a whole year to accomplish this, no need to worry about it this week/month.” Silly silly thinking! This year I’ve decided my motto is going to be “No Excuses!” I’m going to dream, set goals, and be committed to taking whatever steps I need to take to achieve those goals!
@Jan C. – thanks so much for sharing this…just look at how much you learned (and therefore benefitted) from setting a goal and not acheiving it. 🙂
I love your new motto!! Good luck to you.
Aby
I’m a goal-setter not a goal-achiever! I love living in the whatifs and couldbes, but I don’t like the work that goes along with them. I’ll jump into a goal and start going only to stop fairly quickly.
I know the reason I do this is because I allow my mind to wander in all directions. I have ADHD (actually seriously I do). My parents didn’t want me to live my life on pills so they worked forever to teach me how to control my mind. In the classroom and structured settings I use tips and tricks that I’ve honed through the years to stay focused. Yet in my personal, unstructered life I just let it go. I hate and like it. It’s hard to force myself to focus all the time, and I enjoy the break.
Goals become a way for me to add some structure and then pick back-up when my mind decides to. I don’t pressure myself to perfectly fulfill my goals. I just let my mind take it’s natural time getting into achievement mode. It may take longer, but It feels great when the end finally comes to be.
I love setting goals. And rarely accomplish them all, but I agree that even a little is better than none.
I need organization and control, and goals give that to me in a small way.
I feel like it’s a fresh start and you can change and be whatever you want with goals. Love them!
I hate setting goals because I feel like it takes all the fun out of life. I had very goal-oriented parents and I always felt like everyting was always mapped out way, way ahead of time. If you know the ending, why read the book?
Of course, I don’t get much accomplished, either, and that can be a problem. Your point on being able to tweak goals is something to consider, though. Thanks!